Update: On Monday, it will be 1 month since I had the gastric sleeve procedure. My healing has continued to steadily progress, and I’ve been feeling great overall! In addition to enjoying lots of yummy foods, I have been meeting my fluid and protein goals daily. The only thing that continues to be a struggle is that I still get tired easily, especially on long days since I went back to work full time this week. 

What’s on the agenda for today?

In this post, I’d like to reflect a bit more on some of the frustrating things about this process, particularly the comments others have made, my own experiences while reading posts in the online forums, and some self-reflection about the ways my long-gone history of dieting, weight focus, body loathing, and negative self-talk have crept back into play. 

I fully expected and dreaded that others would make comments about my body and weight, or ask inappropriate questions based on what they think I might like to hear (e.g., “Wow! You’ve lost weight already, how much?”). What I feel somewhat disappointed about is that some of the individuals I explicitly talked to about this prior to the surgery still decided to make comments and ask questions, even if they came from places of curiosity and good intentions.  One person who heard I was having a difficult time in the first few weeks said, “weigh yourself, you’ll feel better.” Another said, “I know you don’t want to focus on the weight, but how much have you lost?” And yet another took a long look up and down my body, then said “Wow, you look great! How much have you lost so far?” When I respond by saying, “Actually, that won’t make me feel better” or “I don’t know, I haven’t weighed myself” or “I’m uncomfortable talking about my body or weight,” people seem a bit thrown off, perhaps even defensive, and it ends the conversation awkwardly. Some haven’t mentioned the surgery at all, one person saying that they thought it was like fight club and “the first rule of Megan’s surgery is you don’t talk about Megan’s surgery.”

Regardless of the comments, I have become quite skilled at noticing the up-and-down look of someone who hasn’t seen me in a few weeks, or someone who knows that I had surgery but is catching themself to keep from commenting on my body (thank you for being mindful!). It’s interesting to watch others “take it in” and I hope that they are using that opportunity to process what their internalized fatphobia tells them (e.g., the dumb idea that fat people losing weight somehow makes us more worthy, good, etc.). We are worthy and good already, and we all have every right to be respected by others. I saw this great Instagram post by @hgoodrichrd at http://www.inspired nutrition.com, “No human should ever feel they have to justify the size or shape of their body or how they choose to pursue health.” Right on! I will continue to fight for body liberation, just like I fight every day for social justice and equity for people of color, queer/trans/non-binary folks, and other oppressed groups. 

The truth is, I don’t care about the numbers. I am satisfied and love my body no matter what I look like. That may sound hard to believe. I mean, will I appreciate being able to buy clothes in my size at the store without having to cross my fingers for larger sizes or go to more expensive plus size stores? Sure. But not because I don’t want to be fat. It’s because many manufacturers and designers don’t create affordable size and body inclusive clothing. Am I glad to have more energy and looking forward to working out more often? Yes, but not because I’ll be thinner. It will be because I struggled with a significant depression last year, which kept me from working out consistently due to lack of motivation, low energy, and having chronic body/back pain. Am I looking forward to hearing fewer comments about my perceived fat body, receiving fewer dirty looks, and fewer people refusing to consider my dating profile because of my size? Sure, but it’s because fatphobia feels shitty and is oppressive. In fact, I think that as a person who identifies as fat but is not perceived as fat in the same way, I’ll need to be even more on the lookout for someone who is authentic and not sizeist or fatphobic. And, let’s be real, most of us are fatphobic. Even those of us who are fat. I still feel sad as I remember once making comments that someone I cared about that she was “anorexically skinny. The issue was that I was envious, because my body was not as naturally thin as hers, but those wounds cut deep, and some of them never heal. 

Fatphobia, diet or “wellness” culture, and thin privilege are huge contributors to body image struggles and disordered eating. I believe that many people who choose to have this procedure have done so because they’ve been told their whole lives that being fat is bad, that they need to lose weight, and that they should do everything in their power to do so. After multiple diets, significant loss and re-gain, and repeated felt “failure,” it makes sense to me that someone would consider a procedure that offers a sense of hope for long-term success. It’s disturbing that some doctors and surgeons recommend that their patients pursue a gastric procedure to lose weight before they can have another health-related procedure that they actually need.

As I’ve mentioned in prior posts, I’m concerned about the many folks who have had a gastric procedure who still continue to hold the same disordered ideas about food, dieting, and expectations for their bodies. I’ve heard comments like, “I had surgery a month ago and I’ve only lost 14 pounds – what am I doing wrong?” and “I lost 70lbs and the scale hasn’t budged in months – I still want to lose 20lbs, what do I do?”  It’s so hard to see these posts, and I often feel helpless in responding, because so many of the responses recommend things that are consistent with diet culture, restricting, and making their bodies smaller rather than encouraging people to listen to their bodies and trust that the body knows what it needs. It’s also confusing to see all of the “before” and “after” photos, because they always suggest that the “after” is better.

I hope my body can heal and adjust to whatever size it was meant to be before I started an endless cycle of dieting, restricting, losing, and gaining in middle school. But I can guarantee you, with me there will be no traditional “before” and “after” photos, no sharing of numbers, and no body shaming as my body continues to adjust post-surgery.