Hey there, I was thinking about our relationship. I realized that we have had a lot of ups and downs to get to where we are today, and I haven’t always been as kind to you as I am now. I’ve been reflecting on the ways I might have hurt you, and I just want to say I’m sorry:

• I’m sorry for all the times I referred to you as ugly, or used the word fat in a derogatory way.
• I’m sorry I went through long periods of time where I didn’t listen to you or trust your signals of our hunger.
• I’m sorry for all the times I gave you more food than you asked for, sometimes making you feel awful.
• I’m sorry for feeling hatred toward you, wishing over and over that you were smaller and more “desirable.”
• I’m sorry for focusing on the scale as a measure of our worth, and for punishing/rewarding you based on what number was displayed.
• I’m sorry for internalizing the way that others talked about their own bodies, which put additional pressure on you.
• I’m sorry for not always wearing sunscreen, and for that time before prom when I exposed you to dangerous UV rays.
• I’m sorry for those moments when I stared at you in the mirror with disgust, grabbing our skin and our stomach with hostility.
• I’m sorry that in those moments when people said hurtful things, I misdirected my sadness and anger toward you rather than at the oppressive, fat phobic systems we live in.
• I’m sorry for restricting the kinds of foods we could eat, enjoy, and digest based on beliefs about how I was supposed to be eating or ways to shrink you.
• I’m sorry for the times I wore oversized clothing to hide you from the world, or for wearing clothing that was meant to look “flattering.”
• I’m sorry for those moments when I talked negatively about you in front of others, as if you weren’t right there listening.
• I’m sorry for the times I held on to clothing that was too small with the hope that you might some day fit into it.
• I’m sorry for the repeated diets, detoxes, and “lifestyle” eating changes that I hoped would shrink you, that forced you to eat foods that did not taste good, and left you feeling hungry/confused.
• I’m sorry for the times I was less able to take care of you because of my depression, lack of motivation, and avoidance.
• I’m sorry for those moments when I felt disappointed about the effects on you due to aging, rather than appreciating that we are still here and making meaning of each moment.
• I’m sorry for those times when I tried to remove food & waste from our body by experimenting with laxatives, diet pills, and feeling angry with you that I could not make myself throw up after overfeeding you.
• I’m sorry for holding you to binary beliefs about beauty & femininity, for example feeling embarrassed if our legs were unshaved.
• I’m sorry for those times I exercised with the hope of “working off calories” or with the goal of shrinking you, rather than because exercise feels good for us and makes us stronger.
• I’m sorry for not appreciating you at the physical height you were able to achieve.
• I’m sorry for those moments when you tried to tell me you weren’t feeling good physically or alert me to health concerns, but I did not listen right away.
• I’m sorry for not always respecting or understanding the privilege the color of our skin holds in society.
• I’m sorry for comparing you to other bodies, for viewing before/after photos and wishing that you looked more like an “after,” effectively deeming you less worthy than others.
• I’m sorry for not noticing and feeling grateful for all that you are able to do in the world as an able body.
• I’m sorry for the times I managed to shrink you to a more “desirable” size, leaving you confused about when we would next have access to ample food and to battle internally with my metabolism and body systems that were telling you something was wrong. I understand that you needed to make adjustments, each time preparing more vigilantly for the possible and likely next time.

I’m so glad that we’re in a different place now. I hope you can forgive me, as I have worked hard to forgive myself. I have so much appreciation for you, and I aim to never treat you in those harmful ways again! Thank you for being there for me. You are the the only body I have, and I want us to feel healthy and happy for a very long time.